I beat myself over the head at first denying - not my child. Denial only postponed reality. But, as long as I did deny I didn't have to accept this was the road that was in front of me. Not really being a violent person I think that anger scared me more than I want to admit. AND yes, I was quite angry! Suddenly, it seemed there was so much going on I didn't know which way to turn, or who to turn to. There were so many emotions at one time, it confused me.

My ANGEL is now 11, back then say 13 years ago there were no programs set up for teen-agers, We, you and I were led to believe there was help available but that was the usual media hype that could not be found. It took determination, which definitely came from frustration that I finally found a pilot program. If one more person told me, if he was 21 we could help. My fear was he would not live that long, there had to be someone, someplace now! Nothing seemed to matter any more; I didn't care if the wash was done what kind of meals were on the table - honestly not much mattered. I had failed at being a Mother. I was totally preoccupied with the drug scene and learning in leaps and bounds how out of hand the whole situation was becoming. This was not fair to my 2 girls who since they were not into drugs were not getting the attention they deserved nor was my husband. Little did we know the road ahead was just starting to get rockier and rockier.

Then one day, the current girl friend asked to see baby photos of him. This seemed strange at the time but then almost everything did! A remark was made that would haunt me for a long time to come, every once in a while it still does. "Oh, now I know what our baby will look like"! I do recall picking up on that and asking do you have plans for a baby? Naturally, it was pushed off saying oh no, just wondering. Well, about 9 mos. later came our ANGEL. You must remember here, we are talking about CHILDREN having BABIES. To have "SOMETHING TO LOVE," never mind this is an innocent little human being who has every right to a safe, healthy life.

Emotions are constantly on a roller coaster of ups and downs. Some days I think from A to Z, but keeping it all inside makes you want to explode, then your no good for anything. Each day when I get up, I open the cover to the book and pray I can handle what surprises today will bring. As I close the book for the day I try to remember to say the proper thanks for another day that my ANGEL is safe and growing into a very special young lady.